Disappointment

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Disappointment

In the last week of the Parenthood series discussed a subject that is a fear of every parent; what if your child follows a path contrary to how you tried to raise them? How should we react when the decisions our children make are morally and/or spiritually polar opposite to our own values? As a father to two young boys, instilling values into them to successfully navigate life is one of my top priorities. The scary part is, I won’t know if I’ve succeeded until they are old enough to make their own decisions.

No matter how “perfect” your kids are now, we can never forget that there is no one righteous (Romans 3:10), everyone is capable of messing up. That is not to discourage us or lower our view of our children, it just keeps us in check with reality.

What I am showing in my image, and what parents walking though tough situations with their children can find comfort in is God knows how you feel, take a look at how his children historically relate to him.

Isaiah 1:2-3 Hear me, you heavens! Listen, earth! For the Lord has spoken: “I reared children and brought them up, but the have rebelled against me. The ox knows its master, the donkey its owner’s manger, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.”

Do you sense that God is a bit frustrated with His children here? God may have been the first, but he won’t be the last to use an analogy of livestock when it comes to their kids! Bottom line, God knows what it means to parent through pain. How does he do it? Check out Luke 15:1-32, the story of the prodigal son.

The father in this parable has lost a son to the enticement of the outside world, with its consequences. Despite abandoning his family physically, morally, and spiritually, the son was received back with open arms when in finally chose to return. In addition to welcoming his son back home, we also see the father was expecting his return. The father spotted the son when he was “still a long way off”, meaning he had to be watching the road, waiting to see that familiar silhouette.

The face in my drawing is a face of discouragement, disappointment in the current state of things, regret over past decisions (or missed opportunities). I drew the face vaguely enough that it could be perceived as an adult or a child, as both experience similar emotions when choices separate them. The weight of the blackness around the head adds to the heavy emotion in the face.

A soft light shines down on the head from above, breaking through the darkness and gently highlighting the facial features. The light brings a sense of peace in uncertainty, comfort within chaos. It is God’s hand, gently caressing a human soul, as if to say “Tell me what’s going on. I understand, I’ve been here.”

Discipline

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dis·ci·pline

noun

1. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training to act in accordance with rules

2. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.

3. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.

verb

4. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.

Discipline is one of those words that either causes your stomach to turn and your hair to stand on end or inspires a great sense of pride. Isn’t it interesting how a single word generates such contrasting reactions? The philosophies of love and hate, conflict between order and chaos, Newton’s third law of motion, captured in ten letters. As parents, it is one of the most important words in our vocabulary.

Every good dad wants to be Superman to their children. Be honest guys, watching your 5-year old awe at how high you can throw a baseball, being able to reach that game on the top shelf, or hearing the words “it’s OK, Daddy can fix it” super-charges our ego. Men thrive on swooping in to save the day. Having to punish the little boy who idolizes you can be quite antagonizing. Correction means pain, emotional, physical or both. Deep down, we worry that causing pain will topple our superhero status. We should not forget, however, Superman existed to punish criminals. At the very root of being a superhero is discipline.

So now what? We want superhero dad status, being a superhero means practicing and enforcing discipline, but pushing our children away still haunts us. Discipline is vital to teaching a child how to do life right and is executed as a cycle of setting expectations, accountability, and correction. First, set clear guidelines and boundaries, then make them known. Nothing screws with a child’s head more than being chastised for crossing a line they never knew existed. If you want to build an impervious wall between you and your children, make up rules on the fly and change them regularly. Second, consistency. Set your rules, let the kids know what the consequences are and stick to them. Though the kids won’t admit it, and they’re a stress cocktail served up by the DOT, concrete boundaries beget peace. The last rule of successful discipline, self-control. Don’t go overboard with your rules or your consequences. Spilling milk at the table does not warrant being grounded from TV for a week! Controlling yourself, self-discipline, keeps correction within the boundaries of redirection and not retribution while also protecting your own integrity. Without integrity your authority to enforce punishment disintegrates, flushing your influence down the toilet. Self control also tames your Superman complex, allowing your kids the freedom to screw up and reap the results. Sheltering children from all adversity is just as poisonous as failing to discipline them.

Consider the root word of ‘discipline’; disciple. What was it that motivated Jesus’s disciples to remain loyal? Riches? Mark 10:24-25 The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” Obviously not money-driven. Power? Mark 10:31 But many who are first will be last and the last first. Nope. Fame, I mean these guys died 2000 years ago and we’re still talking about them! Matthew 10:22 You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Not the kind of popularity I find attractive. So it’s not for the money, no tangible power to be obtained, definitely not a strategic move for winning a popularity contest, why would anyone want this? Simple, the security found in discipline.

Discipleine

Want to be your kids’ Superman? Show them how to do life right and keep them in line.

Touch, Time, and Talk

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Touch, Time and Talk

Mark 10:13-16 provides a clear picture of how Jesus relates to children and what we as parents need to be sure to do in order to connect with our kids. Three unchanging principles of quality relationships was the focus of the second installment of the Parenthood series at North Ridge; touch, time, and talk.

Number one, affection through appropriate physical touch. A pat on the back, a hug, a fist bump, rocking a baby to sleep. Positive physical touch creates a secure environment and a bond of trust between parent and child.

Second, the time we spend with our children communicates their place on our list of priorities; be it good or bad. A child who is consistently told to “wait”, “let me get this done first”, “after the game”, “maybe tomorrow” quickly learns that whatever is occupying their parents’ time is more important than they are. The child who watches his father drop what he’s doing to get on the floor and play with them knows they can always count on their dad to be available to them.

Third, talk to your kids. I don’t mean a shallow “How was your day?” “Good” and that be the end of it. Encourage your kids. Have deep conversations with them. I’ve had extensive conversations with my then 3 year old because he wanted to know why ‘sugar’ is not spelled with an ‘sh’. All it takes is a little time and attention from you toward your children to build strong, intrinsic value for them and a relationship that will open doors for you to walk through life with them, but it will not happen over night.

In the image that came from this, I first drew the parent and child in the top left. This is my favorite image of prayer as proposed by Brennan Manning. Manning compares the time we spend with God in prayer to that of a toddler with his father. Toddlers are extremely affectionate but also easily distracted. A young boy may run to his father squealing “Daddy home, Daddy home” and be scooped up by his dad’s arms only to turn around and point to the toy fire truck on the carpet. The fact that a bright red piece of plastic grabs his son’s attention does not bother the man, he is content holding his son who celebrates the fact he came home. God is the same with us. We may find words difficult to come by when we pray, become distracted by tomorrow’s to-do list, or even fall asleep as we are praying but that doesn’t grieve God because we are still spending time with Him.

The bottom of the page shows another stage of touch and time, letting go. At some point, the time we have to daily pour ourselves into our children is over and we must let them go to do life. This doesn’t mean permanently out of our lives, but not around on a daily or possibly even monthly basis.

Drawn over both of these images is an arm with a watch and an open hand. The watch symbolizes our limited time and our tendency to watch it tick by. We live by schedules, we plan on what’s going to happen when and where. The hand reaching down posed in a way that comes across as a little disturbing, almost creepy, like it’s attempting to grab up the parent figure on the bottom. That’s precisely correct. The arm is straining toward the day of letting go in hopes of prevent it from happening, attempting to sweep back time so they can get to know their child. I believe this occurs all too often. Parents spend their lives building the perfect environment for their kids then wake up to realize, a day too late, they barely know each other.

Touch, time, and talk. Invest them all in your children as if there is no tomorrow.